GRADUATION ROBE PHOTO SHOOT DAY!

I challenge you to come up with a more interesting title. Thanks.

Now. It has been a tradition for many many years in Bukit Kuda for the graduating to class to get 2 hours each at the end of the school year to prance around school snapping photos with our graduation robes on!

I guess the school wants us to have lots of photos to remember the school by or like to put the photos in our scrapbooks or something. lol

So a few days ago, me and my Form 6 friends had alot of fun running around the school taking siao photos and acting like kids!

Remember I mentioned in the previous post that I will be posting the photos that are snapped using Susan’s AWESOME camera so here they are!

AND BEHOLD because they are GORGEOUS!

The shots at the stairs are my favourites!

Look at all of us trying to pull off the emo look but Kanaga (in white without the robes) unashamedly posing for the camera with a seductive smile lol

And the second photo we all tried to look old by pulling the skin of our faces down LOL

As usual, it was customary to have JUMP SHOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And with successful jump shots there have to be FAILED jump shots too. LOL

Me thick-skinnedly posing with Encik Azhar’s BIG BIKE. LOL

Me and Susan sexually harrassing Nadia. LOL

The perfect formal lined-up shot! LOVE THIS!

Of course there has to be a big ass shot of me doing a dumb pose too. lol

Another stairs shot! We were pinching each other’s cheeks!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

And because I don’t have Susan’s awesome camera, my loyal companion is only my cute roughly bling-ed out Lumix. IT’S CUTE THOUGH.

CUTE GROUP SHOT! :3

And then we returned the robes and went back to class. That’s Puan Normala our Economics teacher!

After that we just kind of sat around in class playing with Susan’s camera because seriously I am OBSESSED with her camera!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It produces such clear and popping photos and all of which make my skin look so soft like marshmallow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Susan was fascinated by the pinkness of all my stuff so she started snapping photos of me with them lol

And of course I more than WELCOMED her because her camera ALWAYS makes me look so GOD DAMN CUTE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!

DROWN IN PINKNESS ALL OF YOU MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA

Pink glue pink puncher pink mechanical pencil pink pencil case pink eraser pink mechanical eraser pink sharpener pink ruler pink scissors pink notepad pink watch pink phone!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

You wanna know what I was typing away in my pink phone? :3

And look what I got back for a reply :

With more hearts! TEE HEE!

It was a very joyous day that day! I LOVE MY FORM 6 FAMILY and I’m going to miss them so much when we finish Form 6 later!

And of course I love the guy who never fails to make me happy everyday : Wan Mohd Salamullah.

PS : REMINDER! ALL SHOTS TAKEN BY SUSAN’s AWESOME CAMERA YO! LOVEZ IT.

Form 6 Graduation 2011!

Just recently attended my Form 6 graduation lunch at Goldcourse Hotel last 15 of October 2011! And since I was also a former Bukit Kuda student from Form 1 till Form 5, this was actually my SECOND graduation lunch (my first being my Form 5 graduation)!

Funny that even though I’ve attended such graduation ceremony by the same organising committee just two years before, but everything this year felt so different!

It was fun!

Maybe it was because I attended this lunch with my Form 6 family who I’ve grown to be so attached to because we are such a small group! Hanging out with them just makes me feel all homey and comfortable. :3

Of course with every blog post it has to start with my big ass photo as such! :

I bought this leopard print dress for only RM25 specially for this event because we typically weren’t allowed to wear anything that was above our knees. And since I had no dresses that were longer that my knees I needed to urgently go shop for one!

Before heading to Goldcourse, Pei Wen, Pei Theng, Wei Qing and I decided to stop for Bah Kut Teh breakfast first because we were told that our buffet lunch was only going to start at 1130am!

And we had to arrive there by 730am! How to tahan with empty stomach for so long?!

Om nom nom bah kut teh lol

And we arrive!

Somehow the setting looks kind of old school-ish so I played with the colours of the photo and produced this lol

Must take mirror shot before we enter obviously.

Right after we registered, we had to change into our graduation robes because we were the first class to go up on stage that day!

Ta-dah! Class of 1990 2011 sorry. LOL

PHOTOS TIME!

And finally, food was served! Okay it was a buffet so technically we served ourselves.

Got murtabak got karipap got ayam goreng got nasi minyak got bihun goreng got kari jiken OM NOM NOM

Got laksa too! And assorted cakes and puddings!

But the sad thing was, before we even got to finish our food, we had to rush over to the changing room to change back into our graduation robes for a photo shoot session.

The graduation robe is black, with red and blue stripes! :3

And then when we came back to finally devour our food, WE DISCOVERED IT WAS ALL GONE. :C

Then we found out that the waiters thought we had finished eating so they cleared the plates. I didn't even get the chance to eat karipap. :c

And oh yes I forgot to tell you guys about how I uncovered the most awesome camera ever! And like the stupid chap that I am, I forgot to find out the name of the model but I can assure you that it is the best camera EVER!

And by that of course I mean because it takes AWESOME camwhore shots HAHAHAHAHAHA

Every single shot of my face taken by this camera is like super gorgeous and it’s as if it can’t go wrong?!

LOL I so want to get this when I have money!!!

LOVE IT! I’ll post the camwhore/normal shots of me using this camera in a separate post okay because the photos are with Susan! I think she kinda beh tahan with me because I keep using her camera to camwhore and eating up all her battery hihi

ENCIK ISHAK!

And that is my face whenever I see him LOL

After food and photo session, finally the graduation event ended!

And I went downstairs to find…………………………………

(sorry photo fail because I didn’t have time to snap the dramatic moment of my reaction when I saw him downstairs waiting for me lol)

(that’s a photo of him all dressed up just for me and erm eating a Double GCB lol)

Mr. Wan Mohd Salamullah waiting for me by his car holding a bouquet of………………

SURPRISE ROSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How can you not be in love with this guy?

He does all the little things just to make me happy! Everybody around me gushes about him to me saying how much of a perfect boyfriend he is, so you know, anyone who is saying shit about our relationship :

HATERS GONNA HATE. TEE HEE.

And that concludes a very eventful and romantic graduation day.

BYE!

Wow.

I guess this is more of a clarification post than an actual post with updates.

I haven’t updated my blog in what more than a month?

And that is because I have been trying to live my life indifferently and trying very hard not to think about Fifi anymore.

It’s only been a while since we’ve broken up, but sometimes it just feels like to me as if it’s been so long. Maybe it’s because we don’t contact each other anymore. Even till now.

Funny because before this when I was still with him, I did think that I would last with him, but at moments I did kind of imagine what we would be like if we broke up.

And I couldn’t imagine just being normal friends with him because I loved him so much at that time. He was everything to me.

But now that I think about it, I can’t understand why I was so in love with him when he did so little for me.

We were at times happy, but if compared to the relationship that others have, or the relationships I have/have had with others, my happy moments with him were so little. So limited. So restricted.

But I want to respect the relationship we had, however short it had been. And from now on, I really don’t want to talk about that anymore.

And also, we are no longer in contact with each other because I choose not to be his friend. And I’m happy with this arrangement.

I don’t think I will ever be able to accept the way things have been for us – how it ended, so I’m just going to let him be and just try to not think about him anymore.

Because for once in my life, finally, I can really be certain that I no longer want him back. Yes, of course I still love him – the kind of love I have for him is just too extraordinary to be forgotten – but I would never want him back as a boyfriend or even a friend.

Because I don’t trust that he wouldn’t put me through the same type of pain again. So I’d rather prevent that from happening by cutting off contact with him than to take the risk and cure my heart if he does hurt me again.

But I won’t go so far as to say that he’s done wrong to me, I guess we just don’t have the same goals, or wants in life. I guess the best is to just move on with our lives and put the relationship we had before as a kind of experience/memory.

And done.

Next part will of course be about Wan Mohd. Salamullah bin Wan Saudi.

Yes, everyone judges me. Everyone is talking behind my back. Everyone is saying I’m not true to love. Everyone is saying that I’m playing with feelings. Everyone is saying that I am not serious.

And seriously, I’m just too tired and exhausted to try and defend myself from all those hostiles accusations.

Bottom line is, I don’t give a shit what you guys think. This is my life. These emotions are mine. I feel them. You don’t.

I feel so awful that I have to be embarrassed about the fact that Salam is my boyfriend just because I just broke up with Fifi. Especially since Salam has been such a sweetheart to me even before we got together. Even until now he still makes me feel so cared for.

He is just the type of guy that everyone will fall easily in love with.

But to the outside world, because I claimed I was so heart-broken, I shouldn’t have been able to move on so easily.

And because of that, it is obvious that my relationship with Salam now is just a rebound relationship. That I am not serious.

You know what is serious? This: SERIOUSLY, shut the fuck up.

What I felt during the month of break up was horrible. I don’t think you guys have ever been in MY position, and you guys will never be, so stop judging. Salam was a friend of me, even when I was with Fifi, even during the break up, even after the break up.

Yes we weren’t close at all before this, but somehow during my heartbreak, which was probably the darkest time of my life that I have ever experienced, he cheered me up. He tried to make me forget about my sadness even without consciously knowing it. And it worked too, which surprised me.

I can’t really explain how we even got to being together, but what I can say is, he makes me happy.

And because he’s been so nice and sincere with me, it hurts me when you guys try to make it seem as if I’m not serious with him. As if to me this relationship is a joke.

Fuck off.

Being with him makes me realise how stupid I was to endure the kind of one-sided relationship I had with Fifi. Salam makes me feel appreciated. Something I rarely felt when I was with Fifi. And that just makes me sad because I really did love Fifi and I don’t want anything bad to go to his name.

But how I can start to love someone when I’ve just broken up with another person, that is something I can’t understand.

And really, I just don’t want to address that. I just want to leave it at that. I don’t want to think about it.

Salam says it would be much better if we just stop analysing things, so long as these things do not affect us.

And I agree with that.

And that is why I seriously never talked in detail about the start of my relationship with Salam with anyone before.

I just don’t think anyone would understand how I felt or even feel right now.

What’s most important is, Salam trusts me, and believes in me.

He knows how much I loved Fifi, how heart broken I was, how painful it was for me.

And he also knows that it was only a while ago that I’ve felt like that. It’s only been a couple months since I ended my relationship with Fifi.

But he accepts that about me, and trusts that I love him too. Which is all that matters.

All you judgemental people out there can just shut the fuck up.

I guess people who really love me for me, people who really know me deep down inside, will understand this from my point of view.

They know that I’m not the type of girl who just jumps into a relationship without thinking much about love. They know that I am a serious relationship type of girl.

But I guess if you do think that I’m the cheap type, it’s just that you don’t know me well enough. And I don’t really give a damn about what you think.

I don’t have to explain to anyone, nor do I have to prove anyone right/wrong.

I’m being me, I’m loved, and I’m happy. And that’s just enough for me.

This is the last message he sent to me as my boyfriend. If you notice it, this is dated 15 June 2011.

Three days later, 18 June 2011, he broke up with me.

I’ve never quite understood what is going on his mind.

Or what WAS going on in his mind in the three days before he broke up with me.

How could he send such a sweet message to me one morning and then break up with me three days later?

What happened in those three days?

These are things that I would really like to know.

15 June 2011 was Wednesday. That Friday, 17 June 2011, he came back from Pahang.

And he didn’t even inform me. I was still his girlfriend that time and I just couldn’t believe he could hide something like this from me.

If I was such a nuisance, such a burden to him, that when he came back to Klang he didn’t even want to meet me, to the extent that he tried to hide this from me, WHY DIDN’T HE BREAK UP WITH ME EARLIER?

Why still send such sweet messages to me?

I seriously didn’t know what was going on his mind.

Even until today I am still confused.

I gave him so much, I sacrificed so much for him, I did so much for him. And he could hurt me like that without feeling guilty.

I got angry that he tried to hide the fact that he had come home from me, and I threw a tantrum. And the next day, 18 June 2011, he changed his relationship status back to single.

As if I was the one who was wrong in this whole thing.

I don’t think I did anything wrong. How could he be so cruel? Why did he try to bolster my ego and then decide to grind it under his heel like I was worth nothing?

How could he do that to me, after all we’d been through? After all this time?

Thinking back thoroughly of the way he treated me, I realise that he had done so much to hurt me and just so little to make me happy.

But why am I still so attached to him?

Why can’t I let him go?

I want to return his things to him. I seriously want to. But I just don’t understand why till this day I still cry everytime I think about that.

Everytime I am at the verge of bringing his things to be returned to him, I put the package back on the shelf. Because I’m just so hurt. I’m just so scared.

I’m so scared of what the outcome would be. I am so afraid that this is not only gonna be the end of our relationship, but also our friendship, or whatever ship we have.

I’m so scared to let him go.

Why?

Is he worth it? My brain says NO, but my heart cries and yearns for him.

It has been so long since I have updated. I don’t even know what is going on in my life right now.

I don’t believe that I have completely got over the break up, but at least I am not crying anymore.

I was desperately looking for a closure just a week before, but I was still thinking about him, I was still hoping.

But one day I went to his Facebook profile and I found out that he seems to be in some kind of mission to get this girl.

And he is showing signs that he is after this girl who is from his university.

And the way he purposely posted all these statuses was just hurting me. Over and over.

And so that fateful day, I removed him from my friends list and I hid my wall from him.

I just couldn’t take the pain anymore.

Surprisingly, deleting him made me feel better. I found that I no longer spent so much time thinking about him, and for the first time since the break up, I could actually fathom the fact that our relationship was finally over and done with.

A week had past and I almost convinced myself that I was going to send his things back to him. That I didn’t want them anymore.

But just three days ago he called me.

He asked about me and talked to me like we were great friends.

Why did he have to call just as I was about to forget him? Why did he have to suddenly appear again?

And yesterday, he texted me.

He told me, albeit jokingly, that he misses me, and asks if I was thinking about him.

He also mentioned about my ‘boyfriend’ which I don’t actually have currently, as if he was trying to get me to admit if I HAD a boyfriend or not.

He casually also mentioned that he appreciated me, and that it was just me who didn’t understand.

And finally, he asked me to go Raya visiting with him this year as he wants to show me where he lives.

And I’m thinking, WHY?

Why is he doing this? After all this time. After all the things he has done to me. After all the things he has said to me.

WHY?

I talked about this to one of my friends and he said that maybe Fifi and I have never really come to a closure.

Maybe he still cares for me and he is just confused as to whether he wants to be with me or not.

Maybe he just wants freedom.

Maybe he just doesn’t want to be tied to a relationship.

Or.

Maybe he is just playing me to boost his ego. To prove that he still has an effect on me.

I almost broke down last night when I realised this.

Why do I have to be the one to be hurt? If I cannot get to be with Fifi, why won’t he just disappear or stop hurting me?

If I do get to be with him one day, why can’t it happen now, so that I wouldn’t have to suffer like this?

I thought I found a closure just days before, but just a casual appearance of him and all my confidence went downhill.

And suddenly I realised I didn’t want to return his things to him anymore.

When are things going to start to look up for me?

Haven’t I hurt enough?

Muhammad Hafifi Abdul Majid, what do you want actually…?

Love & Despair

You start out being so in love,

But things turn different as days go by,

Suddenly from hugs and kisses,

You just walk away without goodbyes.

 

Is it worth it to cry and cry,

When he doesn’t really care?

To drown yourself in hopeless dreams,

And to live life with despair?

 

You say you would start to learn and cope,

But these things aren’t real,

Sooner or later you’ll break and cry,

Cos no one bothers how you feel.

 

But who cares if these tears are worth it,

They won’t stop on command anyway,

It’s much more satisfying to wallow in grief,

Than to pretend to be okay.

 

Why is love such a hard thing to procure,

And yet even harder to maintain?

Can’t we all just get along,

And appreciate what we have gained?

 

I’m lying low, I’m feeling down,

And I don’t know what else to do,

Because my heart protests, my mind rejects,

But the one I want is still you.

I am not a very nice girl. I never said I was. I never said I was innocent. I never said I wasn’t wild.

It has been more than 2 months, and I still feel very broken inside.

And the fact that I am hanging out so excessively with this bunch of guys that I’ve only newly met, is a form of way for me to distract myself from the pain I still feel.

I still love him very much. I don’t know why he affects me so much when I know he doesn’t really love me anyway.

He did care for me at one point of the relationship, but right now, I feel like he no longer cares about me.

How can you love someone who hurts you so much?

To pretend that all this isn’t happening, I have been hanging out with one of my guy friends alot. He is very nice to me and recently, he confessed to me. :/

I can’t say I don’t like him, but I just don’t like him that way yet.

My heart still belongs to the one before. It has always been with him. Even though he left me, my heart never left him.

So right now I am just basking in the glory of having someone new being so infatuated with me.

I wonder why I fell in love so easily with Fifi when I realise now that he didn’t really do much to get me in the first place.

I know during our relationship he has done alot of sweet things for me, but at the beginning, he wasn’t as caring and loving as my current guy friend is now.

It is all so weird.

I guess I am just still keeping hope that Fifi would one day come back to me and that is why I don’t want to get into any further relationship with anyone.

Because I have the feeling that I would fall very easily in love with my current guy friend if I just let myself.

But I’m still holding hope for Fifi. And I'm really not ready for anything like that with someone else yet.

So I guess we’ll just take more time.

More time to get to know each other.

More time for me to consider if Fifi is ever going to come back.

More time for me to either become more in love with Fifi or gradually fall out of love for him.

More time for me and my guy friend to see if we’ll ever really work out for each other.

We all need time.

And I still love you very much Fifi.

I don’t care if you don’t want to hear it.