This is the last message he sent to me as my boyfriend. If you notice it, this is dated 15 June 2011.

Three days later, 18 June 2011, he broke up with me.

I’ve never quite understood what is going on his mind.

Or what WAS going on in his mind in the three days before he broke up with me.

How could he send such a sweet message to me one morning and then break up with me three days later?

What happened in those three days?

These are things that I would really like to know.

15 June 2011 was Wednesday. That Friday, 17 June 2011, he came back from Pahang.

And he didn’t even inform me. I was still his girlfriend that time and I just couldn’t believe he could hide something like this from me.

If I was such a nuisance, such a burden to him, that when he came back to Klang he didn’t even want to meet me, to the extent that he tried to hide this from me, WHY DIDN’T HE BREAK UP WITH ME EARLIER?

Why still send such sweet messages to me?

I seriously didn’t know what was going on his mind.

Even until today I am still confused.

I gave him so much, I sacrificed so much for him, I did so much for him. And he could hurt me like that without feeling guilty.

I got angry that he tried to hide the fact that he had come home from me, and I threw a tantrum. And the next day, 18 June 2011, he changed his relationship status back to single.

As if I was the one who was wrong in this whole thing.

I don’t think I did anything wrong. How could he be so cruel? Why did he try to bolster my ego and then decide to grind it under his heel like I was worth nothing?

How could he do that to me, after all we’d been through? After all this time?

Thinking back thoroughly of the way he treated me, I realise that he had done so much to hurt me and just so little to make me happy.

But why am I still so attached to him?

Why can’t I let him go?

I want to return his things to him. I seriously want to. But I just don’t understand why till this day I still cry everytime I think about that.

Everytime I am at the verge of bringing his things to be returned to him, I put the package back on the shelf. Because I’m just so hurt. I’m just so scared.

I’m so scared of what the outcome would be. I am so afraid that this is not only gonna be the end of our relationship, but also our friendship, or whatever ship we have.

I’m so scared to let him go.

Why?

Is he worth it? My brain says NO, but my heart cries and yearns for him.

It has been so long since I have updated. I don’t even know what is going on in my life right now.

I don’t believe that I have completely got over the break up, but at least I am not crying anymore.

I was desperately looking for a closure just a week before, but I was still thinking about him, I was still hoping.

But one day I went to his Facebook profile and I found out that he seems to be in some kind of mission to get this girl.

And he is showing signs that he is after this girl who is from his university.

And the way he purposely posted all these statuses was just hurting me. Over and over.

And so that fateful day, I removed him from my friends list and I hid my wall from him.

I just couldn’t take the pain anymore.

Surprisingly, deleting him made me feel better. I found that I no longer spent so much time thinking about him, and for the first time since the break up, I could actually fathom the fact that our relationship was finally over and done with.

A week had past and I almost convinced myself that I was going to send his things back to him. That I didn’t want them anymore.

But just three days ago he called me.

He asked about me and talked to me like we were great friends.

Why did he have to call just as I was about to forget him? Why did he have to suddenly appear again?

And yesterday, he texted me.

He told me, albeit jokingly, that he misses me, and asks if I was thinking about him.

He also mentioned about my ‘boyfriend’ which I don’t actually have currently, as if he was trying to get me to admit if I HAD a boyfriend or not.

He casually also mentioned that he appreciated me, and that it was just me who didn’t understand.

And finally, he asked me to go Raya visiting with him this year as he wants to show me where he lives.

And I’m thinking, WHY?

Why is he doing this? After all this time. After all the things he has done to me. After all the things he has said to me.

WHY?

I talked about this to one of my friends and he said that maybe Fifi and I have never really come to a closure.

Maybe he still cares for me and he is just confused as to whether he wants to be with me or not.

Maybe he just wants freedom.

Maybe he just doesn’t want to be tied to a relationship.

Or.

Maybe he is just playing me to boost his ego. To prove that he still has an effect on me.

I almost broke down last night when I realised this.

Why do I have to be the one to be hurt? If I cannot get to be with Fifi, why won’t he just disappear or stop hurting me?

If I do get to be with him one day, why can’t it happen now, so that I wouldn’t have to suffer like this?

I thought I found a closure just days before, but just a casual appearance of him and all my confidence went downhill.

And suddenly I realised I didn’t want to return his things to him anymore.

When are things going to start to look up for me?

Haven’t I hurt enough?

Muhammad Hafifi Abdul Majid, what do you want actually…?

Love & Despair

You start out being so in love,

But things turn different as days go by,

Suddenly from hugs and kisses,

You just walk away without goodbyes.

 

Is it worth it to cry and cry,

When he doesn’t really care?

To drown yourself in hopeless dreams,

And to live life with despair?

 

You say you would start to learn and cope,

But these things aren’t real,

Sooner or later you’ll break and cry,

Cos no one bothers how you feel.

 

But who cares if these tears are worth it,

They won’t stop on command anyway,

It’s much more satisfying to wallow in grief,

Than to pretend to be okay.

 

Why is love such a hard thing to procure,

And yet even harder to maintain?

Can’t we all just get along,

And appreciate what we have gained?

 

I’m lying low, I’m feeling down,

And I don’t know what else to do,

Because my heart protests, my mind rejects,

But the one I want is still you.

I am not a very nice girl. I never said I was. I never said I was innocent. I never said I wasn’t wild.

It has been more than 2 months, and I still feel very broken inside.

And the fact that I am hanging out so excessively with this bunch of guys that I’ve only newly met, is a form of way for me to distract myself from the pain I still feel.

I still love him very much. I don’t know why he affects me so much when I know he doesn’t really love me anyway.

He did care for me at one point of the relationship, but right now, I feel like he no longer cares about me.

How can you love someone who hurts you so much?

To pretend that all this isn’t happening, I have been hanging out with one of my guy friends alot. He is very nice to me and recently, he confessed to me. :/

I can’t say I don’t like him, but I just don’t like him that way yet.

My heart still belongs to the one before. It has always been with him. Even though he left me, my heart never left him.

So right now I am just basking in the glory of having someone new being so infatuated with me.

I wonder why I fell in love so easily with Fifi when I realise now that he didn’t really do much to get me in the first place.

I know during our relationship he has done alot of sweet things for me, but at the beginning, he wasn’t as caring and loving as my current guy friend is now.

It is all so weird.

I guess I am just still keeping hope that Fifi would one day come back to me and that is why I don’t want to get into any further relationship with anyone.

Because I have the feeling that I would fall very easily in love with my current guy friend if I just let myself.

But I’m still holding hope for Fifi. And I'm really not ready for anything like that with someone else yet.

So I guess we’ll just take more time.

More time to get to know each other.

More time for me to consider if Fifi is ever going to come back.

More time for me to either become more in love with Fifi or gradually fall out of love for him.

More time for me and my guy friend to see if we’ll ever really work out for each other.

We all need time.

And I still love you very much Fifi.

I don’t care if you don’t want to hear it.