Jo-Yee says!

It has been so long since I have updated. I don’t even know what is going on in my life right now.

I don’t believe that I have completely got over the break up, but at least I am not crying anymore.

I was desperately looking for a closure just a week before, but I was still thinking about him, I was still hoping.

But one day I went to his Facebook profile and I found out that he seems to be in some kind of mission to get this girl.

And he is showing signs that he is after this girl who is from his university.

And the way he purposely posted all these statuses was just hurting me. Over and over.

And so that fateful day, I removed him from my friends list and I hid my wall from him.

I just couldn’t take the pain anymore.

Surprisingly, deleting him made me feel better. I found that I no longer spent so much time thinking about him, and for the first time since the break up, I could actually fathom the fact that our relationship was finally over and done with.

A week had past and I almost convinced myself that I was going to send his things back to him. That I didn’t want them anymore.

But just three days ago he called me.

He asked about me and talked to me like we were great friends.

Why did he have to call just as I was about to forget him? Why did he have to suddenly appear again?

And yesterday, he texted me.

He told me, albeit jokingly, that he misses me, and asks if I was thinking about him.

He also mentioned about my ‘boyfriend’ which I don’t actually have currently, as if he was trying to get me to admit if I HAD a boyfriend or not.

He casually also mentioned that he appreciated me, and that it was just me who didn’t understand.

And finally, he asked me to go Raya visiting with him this year as he wants to show me where he lives.

And I’m thinking, WHY?

Why is he doing this? After all this time. After all the things he has done to me. After all the things he has said to me.

WHY?

I talked about this to one of my friends and he said that maybe Fifi and I have never really come to a closure.

Maybe he still cares for me and he is just confused as to whether he wants to be with me or not.

Maybe he just wants freedom.

Maybe he just doesn’t want to be tied to a relationship.

Or.

Maybe he is just playing me to boost his ego. To prove that he still has an effect on me.

I almost broke down last night when I realised this.

Why do I have to be the one to be hurt? If I cannot get to be with Fifi, why won’t he just disappear or stop hurting me?

If I do get to be with him one day, why can’t it happen now, so that I wouldn’t have to suffer like this?

I thought I found a closure just days before, but just a casual appearance of him and all my confidence went downhill.

And suddenly I realised I didn’t want to return his things to him anymore.

When are things going to start to look up for me?

Haven’t I hurt enough?

Muhammad Hafifi Abdul Majid, what do you want actually…?