Wow.

I guess this is more of a clarification post than an actual post with updates.

I haven’t updated my blog in what more than a month?

And that is because I have been trying to live my life indifferently and trying very hard not to think about Fifi anymore.

It’s only been a while since we’ve broken up, but sometimes it just feels like to me as if it’s been so long. Maybe it’s because we don’t contact each other anymore. Even till now.

Funny because before this when I was still with him, I did think that I would last with him, but at moments I did kind of imagine what we would be like if we broke up.

And I couldn’t imagine just being normal friends with him because I loved him so much at that time. He was everything to me.

But now that I think about it, I can’t understand why I was so in love with him when he did so little for me.

We were at times happy, but if compared to the relationship that others have, or the relationships I have/have had with others, my happy moments with him were so little. So limited. So restricted.

But I want to respect the relationship we had, however short it had been. And from now on, I really don’t want to talk about that anymore.

And also, we are no longer in contact with each other because I choose not to be his friend. And I’m happy with this arrangement.

I don’t think I will ever be able to accept the way things have been for us – how it ended, so I’m just going to let him be and just try to not think about him anymore.

Because for once in my life, finally, I can really be certain that I no longer want him back. Yes, of course I still love him – the kind of love I have for him is just too extraordinary to be forgotten – but I would never want him back as a boyfriend or even a friend.

Because I don’t trust that he wouldn’t put me through the same type of pain again. So I’d rather prevent that from happening by cutting off contact with him than to take the risk and cure my heart if he does hurt me again.

But I won’t go so far as to say that he’s done wrong to me, I guess we just don’t have the same goals, or wants in life. I guess the best is to just move on with our lives and put the relationship we had before as a kind of experience/memory.

And done.

Next part will of course be about Wan Mohd. Salamullah bin Wan Saudi.

Yes, everyone judges me. Everyone is talking behind my back. Everyone is saying I’m not true to love. Everyone is saying that I’m playing with feelings. Everyone is saying that I am not serious.

And seriously, I’m just too tired and exhausted to try and defend myself from all those hostiles accusations.

Bottom line is, I don’t give a shit what you guys think. This is my life. These emotions are mine. I feel them. You don’t.

I feel so awful that I have to be embarrassed about the fact that Salam is my boyfriend just because I just broke up with Fifi. Especially since Salam has been such a sweetheart to me even before we got together. Even until now he still makes me feel so cared for.

He is just the type of guy that everyone will fall easily in love with.

But to the outside world, because I claimed I was so heart-broken, I shouldn’t have been able to move on so easily.

And because of that, it is obvious that my relationship with Salam now is just a rebound relationship. That I am not serious.

You know what is serious? This: SERIOUSLY, shut the fuck up.

What I felt during the month of break up was horrible. I don’t think you guys have ever been in MY position, and you guys will never be, so stop judging. Salam was a friend of me, even when I was with Fifi, even during the break up, even after the break up.

Yes we weren’t close at all before this, but somehow during my heartbreak, which was probably the darkest time of my life that I have ever experienced, he cheered me up. He tried to make me forget about my sadness even without consciously knowing it. And it worked too, which surprised me.

I can’t really explain how we even got to being together, but what I can say is, he makes me happy.

And because he’s been so nice and sincere with me, it hurts me when you guys try to make it seem as if I’m not serious with him. As if to me this relationship is a joke.

Fuck off.

Being with him makes me realise how stupid I was to endure the kind of one-sided relationship I had with Fifi. Salam makes me feel appreciated. Something I rarely felt when I was with Fifi. And that just makes me sad because I really did love Fifi and I don’t want anything bad to go to his name.

But how I can start to love someone when I’ve just broken up with another person, that is something I can’t understand.

And really, I just don’t want to address that. I just want to leave it at that. I don’t want to think about it.

Salam says it would be much better if we just stop analysing things, so long as these things do not affect us.

And I agree with that.

And that is why I seriously never talked in detail about the start of my relationship with Salam with anyone before.

I just don’t think anyone would understand how I felt or even feel right now.

What’s most important is, Salam trusts me, and believes in me.

He knows how much I loved Fifi, how heart broken I was, how painful it was for me.

And he also knows that it was only a while ago that I’ve felt like that. It’s only been a couple months since I ended my relationship with Fifi.

But he accepts that about me, and trusts that I love him too. Which is all that matters.

All you judgemental people out there can just shut the fuck up.

I guess people who really love me for me, people who really know me deep down inside, will understand this from my point of view.

They know that I’m not the type of girl who just jumps into a relationship without thinking much about love. They know that I am a serious relationship type of girl.

But I guess if you do think that I’m the cheap type, it’s just that you don’t know me well enough. And I don’t really give a damn about what you think.

I don’t have to explain to anyone, nor do I have to prove anyone right/wrong.

I’m being me, I’m loved, and I’m happy. And that’s just enough for me.