This is very disturbing.

I am almost always with my laptop now that I've got it, and whenever I turn it on and go to Facebook, I deal with the same types of notifications, messages, bla bla bla...

It's getting kind of boring but why do I still do it everyday???

I guess it's because deep down inside, everyone's a wisher. Meaning, even when we know there's about hope the size of an ant in something that we wish to happen, we still sit around waiting for it to happen, because IF it does, we wouldn't want to miss it.

Get what I mean? No?

It's okay, neither do I.

What I'm meaning to say in this blog post is:

Everytime I get around to doing my homework, which is about as frequent as a blue moon appearance, I HAVE to have my laptop by my side too, to get me through the very exhausting and boring process of finishing my assignments.

And, of course, when I turn on my laptop, I forget all else there is to be done and only focus mainly on Facebook Facebook Facebook and leave my homework unattended until it's about 2am and it's time to sleep...

So my poor homework will only get its deserved attention in school the next morning.

Are you guys all like this? Talking about Facebook, it reminded me of boy-girl relationships and somehow by that I'm reminded about sex.

I have alot of pressing matters to discuss about sex and I've been meaning to blog about it for the longest time but I always never got the time to do a thoroughly interesting one.

So, as I can vaguely hear the faint sounds of my MUET homework calling me, this is obviously not a right time either, so I'll leave that topic for another time.

So guys, just remember to come back.

I know you want to know about sex.

Don't pretend.

We're MAMMALS. What ELSE do we think about?

Chuz.

Why?

Because nowadays, it's as if I've been hit by some gigantic truck of pessimism.

I keep thinking of what could have been otherwise, instead of focusing on what I am presently doing.

But I guess that isn't what I'm ever going to get before I finish my STPM. I'm just really afraid that I would not manage to score well for my STPM, but OH THERE I GO AGAIN - PESSIMISM.

Why am I like this? When did I become like this?

I should be thinking instead that I have to do well for STPM, that I must do well for STPM, and not worry about what would happen if I don't!

Because the fact that I might do badly should not be the thought that I focus on, instead, I should be concentrating on the thought that I might be able to score!

Arghhh!!! I hate my life right now. Everything bad's happening to me at the same time. I don't know when this feeling of ultimate depression and devastation is going to ever be lifted from my life, but I really hope it's soon.

I don't think I can stand much longer pretending to be happy when I'm not. Pretending that I'm okay when I'm all broken up inside.

When is this feeling going to end? I am LONGING for it to end. :(

You want to know how upset I am? Hear this: I considered therapy. Exactly. I considered committing myself to a SHRINK, because I am not optimistic that I can cope with my life right now on my own.

I am so disappointed with myself. :'(

I know it's very boring to read about the lame rants about my life.

It feels like nowadays, all I want to do is sleep. Because when I'm sleeping, I wouldn't have to think about anything. And that's what I want to be doing: Not thinking about my sad life.

But the problem is I can't force myself to go to bed. Even after I've TRIED and TRIED and TRIED.

Oh well. I guess I should just, you know, TRY to go to sleep now. Because my life at

awaits me.

Chuz.

And I still love you very much. I hope you know that. :'(

I miss you so much. :'(

fml.

Bahasa Malayu! =D

Pembaca sekalian, hari ini aku akan memblog menggunakan Bahasa Malayu Pasar (BMP) yang amat popular dalam kalangan budak-budak Malaysia sekarang! :D

Sebelum aku mula, biarlah aku menjelaskan terlebih dahulu yang aku sebenarnya berjaya mendapat A+ dalam SPM aku baru-baru ini, so tolonglah jangan menilai ke-chim-an bahasa aku melalui blogpost bodoh ini ok? :B

You tau, aku sebenarnya sangat tertempted untuk menggunakan short-cut dalam writing aku, tapi aku pikir, kenapa mahu buat macam itu? Nanti orang yang tak fasih BMP tak faham apa macam mahu buat?

So aku terpaksalah type semua words aku dalam ejaan yang betul.

Tapi yang mendevastatingkan ialah ini: Aku rasa banyak-banyak budak Malaysia sekarang pun sudah terlalu biasa menggunakan BMP dalam daily lives mereka. Tapi soalannya ini: Salahkah?

Setahu aku, aku sudah menggunakan BMP dalam pertuturan aku sejak aku lahir lagi. Bukan sahaja dalam Bahasa Malayu, aku juga fasih berbahasa Inggeris Pasar! Dan Cina Pasar! So apakah aku sebenarnya bodoh?

Tetapi dalam kelas aku sentiasa get highest markah dalam English test, so apa you cakap aku tak pandai berbahasa?

Aku rasa, ada ramai lagi budak-budak Malaysia yang setuju dengan aku, yang berboat sama dengan aku. Tanyalah semua budak yang mendapat A+ dalam SPM mereka, adakah mereka berbahasa baku dalam daily lives mereka, atau berBMP jugak macam aku?

Of course macam aku jugak right? So apahal ada banyak orang-orang tua yang menchastise aku just because pertuturan harian aku tidak seperti yang dalam kertas?

Salahkah?

As long as dalam exam aku boleh score, then semua jadi, kan?

So kalian pembaca, tidak perlu risau, jom kita bersama-sama berBMP, BIP, BCP dan berbahasa Internet sebanyak yang kita mungkin, dan apabila dimarahi kalian golongan yang lebih tua, mari kita sama-sama membaling kertas ujian bahasa kita yang mendisplaykan A+ pada muka mereka!

Ini generasi kita! Kita akan berpower! Jangan mengobstruct the way we are growing up, sebab hari ini, kita adalah lebih berimaginasi, dan lebih cepat dalam mengabsord ilmu, dan pada masa depan, kita akan menjadi lebih terkenal!

Jangan look down on our bahasa, kerana itu jugak merupakan sejenis CIPTAAN you know!

Be proud dengan kita! :B

Hope you enjoyed. lol

Chuz! ;)

I used to be that girl...

...but now I no longer am....! ;)

So guys girls boys, listen up! I recently got a...
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HAIRCUT!!!!!

So from that...



Now I'm this! >__<

After these VERY STRANGELY LENGTHY 2 weeks holiday, I realise that I have come to erm, realise alot of things. Sorry for my lack of vocabulary (not my fault. Facebook murdered my writing skills). Hmm, I don't really know how to explain, but I just feel that right now, I should be paying MOST attention to my studies, because I should really not let disappointment get in the way of my education. I should really make use of my fairly good SPM results, and work hard to pursue what I am meant to do in this life.

I should not sit around hating my life just because I am not privileged enough to be born a bumiputra, and therefore had lesser chances of obtaining scholarships and such, instead, I should just get on with the fact that Form6 is my path, my route right now. Nothing is going to change that, and I am going to have to accept it. Since I got my SPM results, it has been 3 months already. I have wasted 3 months doing nothing, and I am certainly not going to waste anymore time wishing things were otherwise. I get that alot of other better SPM scorers are also weighed down with problems such as my own, so instead of letting the boat sink, I have to really start looking around for other alternatives to get my boat back on track.

Because I may be a talentless freak, but I know what I may be capable of. And one of them is to be able to prove that I can be more efficient than what is expected of me. My mummy puts alot of hope in me, as she was really devastated by the B+ I obtained for my Chemistry in SPM (she was upset not because of the state of the grade, mind you, she was upset because she knew I could have been better. My family does not live on the stands saying that As are the most important, but rather, what is the best you could achieve. I admit I didn't try my best for SPM, and am in every way deserving of my B+, and that is why my Mum was so upset), so I cannot bear to disappoint her once more. Because disappointing her in a way, disappoints myself too. And also my Dad. And my close relatives who all have supported me very much along this life. I want to be a successful person in life, and I will not permit anyone to look down on me.



I've faced more things than people know, and I've cried more tears than had been mentioned. I keep alot of my problems to myself, because that's just who I am. Though of course, I'm very thankful for having such skill because even when I'm at the most distraught stage of my life, I am still able to display to the world that I am still happy and cheerful and strong.

So that's who I wanna be. Happy, cheerful and strong.

Some people might get what I'm trying to say through this blog post, but most wouldn't. But I feel compelled to write this anyway, because it feeds my inner emotional need to express.

I hope you didn't mind reading this totally non-constructive blogpost about my lame life, because I actually had fun writing it.

And it made me smile sincerely, something I hadn't done in three days.

I am going to start afresh. And I secretly am thankful that this decision has been made for me. Although I am really hurt, but I know this is for the best.

Those of you who do know what I'm talking about...



Help my keep this a secret, please? ;)

Chuz!

I realise...

...that at 18 years of age, I, Tan Jo Yee, do not have a talent.

Or maybe I've realised this a long time ago, and it's only now that I am brave enough to admit it:

I have no talents at all.

I can't draw, I can't paint, I can't sing, I can't play a good song on the guitar, I can't dance, I can't speak, I can't do anything!

Okay so maybe there are things that I am good at, like my English Grammar (I am proud of this okay) or my ability to cheat people? LOL

But these aren't talents; aren't things that I'm immensely skilled in, just, a little bit good at, because I enjoy doing them. It's true, I can play the guitar, I can design my blogskin, I can learn things on my own without having to go for official classes, but these are all things that ANYONE can do. Any ORDINARY person alive can achieve.

Or maybe I'm just the most ordinary person alive.

I don't have a personality. I am not someone who leaves a mark when I leave a place. All this while the reason people remember me is that I have a really big and abnormally sized built for my age. In fact, if I were normal-sized, nobody would even remember I even entered a room.

I used to think that I am able to leave a mark in people's lives when I mix with them, but now I seem to have lost that optimism. I do not feel the spice emitting from myself anymore. I am no longer outstanding in a crowd (except for my size) because I'm extremely NORMAL.

And I don't want to be Miss Nancy next-door. I want to go to a place and leave knowing that half the people there will remember my presence for a long time.

It's almost like, if you look at me, you wouldn't be able to come up with an interesting description. For example, what will you say of me; if someone enquires of you about me, what would be your answer?

I'll probably be described in the most boring way with the most boring sentences like:

"Oh, she was the tallest girl in my class, and she is okay la..."

"She ah? Okay ar...why?"

You see. THESE SENTENCE REFLECT ME. THESE NON-INFORMATIVE BORING TACTLESS SENTENCES ACTUALLY DESCRIBE WHO I AM.

I used to take pride in the fact that among my friends, I stand out the most. But at that time, I never thought about my size being the main reason why so. And now that I've realised that, it makes me feel as if I was never anyone to begin with, and worse still, I am still a big nobody right now.

I haven't achieved anything extraordinary/extraordinarily, I haven't got a BIT of talent that resides in my stupid brain, and I certainly haven't done anything so nice that people are to remember me for it.

Why am I like this? A big talentless bum?

Is it because I've been too pompous my whole life to realise this? That when I do now, it's too late for me to nurture any single bit of talent I might have the chance to be good at?

What do you guys think about yourself? Are you talented? Do not feel embarrassed to speak out, or feel that by revealing glorious things about yourself that you are being braggy. Just speak because you should be proud of yourself.

It is a very hard thing to do, to be able to speak about your abilities while trying to sound humble, I know.

But then, do not conceal your real talent from the world. Show the world who you are with your talents.

Because, at least, you have something to be proud of.

At least, you're not like me, a talentless bum; feeding off glory from other people/parts/situations of my life. When I, myself am in such a lack of any skill.

Sigh. What a realisation.

Today's post is based on a very fun mission!

that is, i will intend to type this whole blog post based on absolutely nothing and see what i come up with!

which means, i will waste no time to paraphrase my sentences, uppercase my letters or worry about my grammar mistakes! =D

but of course spelling is still going to be monitored, because when spelling is wrong, the word doesn't exist! D=

okay so now i am typing with such speed because i am not worrying about making any mistakes, and because this is the first time i ever blogged using this laptop running on battery. i don't usually use the battery because i find it very troublesome to have to recharge it all the time...

as if that information is of any benefit to you but no matter no matter! =D

okay i feel so fucked up right now because i am so boredddddddd... i have never in my life been so bored before during the holidays!

i can go out, and shop and spend money, but the problem is i got no money to spend!!! and petrol so expensive who want to go out so often??? Y__Y

i don't know to use which word to term my existence right now, but all of a sudden i feel very useless. it's like, i am no longer striving for anything, no longer waiting for a result to be announced, no longer waiting for a certain thing to happen...

in other words.. my life right now is like.. ---------------------- mendatar.

no peaks of amusement, no rise of action no nothing.

i think i have lost the ability to create drama, to indulge in drama... to... urgh, whatever. bottom line is, i'm bored the fuck outta my life.

aren't weekends supposed to be spent happily with people with whom you enjoy being? but everyday now is like a weekend. weekends don't even faze me anymore. i hate the weekends. because it means everybody else is having fun but i'm at home, BORED.

hmm... i want to go eat desserts at snowflake... but cheryl isn't allowed to go.. grr... and so it's going to only be me and my sister. like that where got fun? waste petrol only. Y__Y

at least by bringing cheryl i have an EXCUSE to go, but since she isn't going, it is only going to mean that my sister and i song song go all the way to subang to eat desserts = waste money!

eeeeeeeeeeee fml.

chuz.