I just remembered! - Part3

Written on 3 September 2010

There are two parts of me right now, each wishing that I’d done things differently.

Part one: Why did I ask him that question?

The whole night was going perfectly well. Everything was friendly, we could talk normally, and the food was great.

It was almost as if I was thinking, Hey, I think I can do this. You know, just to be friends.

The question that had been burning inside of me since weeks ago kept appearing in my head. I knew that I would not be able to stop myself from asking and it was just a matter of time before I blabbed it out.

I figured that tonight would be the best opportunity to get this stupid question of my chest once and for all.

So after we had settled the bill and left the table, I prepared myself for the event. I was going to ask him the question. I would not wait any longer. I would not care what his reaction would be. Bad, good, I didn’t care. I just knew that if I didn’t ask him tonight, I would regret not having done so for the rest of the month.

And so I did.

And then out came his answer. I thought that I would be able to handle the negativity. I thought that I could simply emerge strong after his answer.

But I was wrong.

I wanted to crumble, I wanted to cry, and I wanted to turn back time. I wish I had never asked him that, because then, I would be spared from having to listen to his answer.

Why did I ask him that? It ruined everything. The night was turning out fine, but I had to stupidly ruin everything by asking such a nonsensical question.

I wish I could turn back time. I wish we had just left at goodbye. I wish I’d never asked him that question.

***

Part two: I’m glad I asked him. That way, I’d finally be able to get this over with.

The other part of me is just glad that I asked the question once and for all, because right now, I knew that I wouldn’t have to ask a second time.

His answer was clear. Indicative and stringent. True and bold. And I have to learn to accept that.

Sometimes in life, we don’t get to have everything done our way. We don’t always get to listen to things that we want to hear.

There has to be some negativity in life, to ensure that we would appreciate the positive more.

Since now that the truth has been revealed, I would no longer have to sit around wondering what might be the answer.

Now that I know what he has had in his mind right from the beginning, there is no need for me to continue feeling this sense of emptiness and ignorance.

So in a way I’m glad I had the answer, because if I didn’t, the negativity would have just been dragged on longer, and the cut would be deeper, and the wound would take a longer time to heal.

It’s over now. And I’m going to be okay.

Chuz.