I know I’ve always had on a cheerful, everything-is-going-my way kind of attitude, but deep down I guess I have a lot of dark secrets as well. It’s been a long time since I’ve even thought about all the things I don’t like about myself. The reason I stopped owes to the fact that Xiaxue advocated The Secret and seeing that it worked (and is still doing) wonders for her, I decided to give it a shot.
But I haven’t been religiously practising positive thinking recently, even though the few months before this (during the beginning of the year) I have been doing so well channelling positive energy into my life. You can see how things turned out for me by reading my previous post. But I don’t know, these few weeks, I’ve been feeling so…pathetic.
Maybe it’s because I’m having a two-month break from university and that gives me ample free time to think a lot about things. Maybe the lack of activities in my daily life has brought me to thinking about how amazingly dull my life currently is. Maybe I’m just being really ungrateful with what I have and am greedy to have more. Maybe I should stop thinking about what my life lacks and instead focus more on what I already have.
I know I shouldn’t be writing this if I want to go back to practising The Secret. But I feel like I have to let my feelings out...to find closure. I feel like I have to at least get my feelings out in the open to be able to find the door to close upon them. Keeping these dark secrets inside has made me a person of tough exterior, when in actual fact, I may just be one of the most emotional people I know in my life.
My Darkest Secret #1: My Weight
Currently: 72kg, 172cm
Ever since I was young, I have always struggled with the issue of my weight. The last time I remember being skinny was when I was about 4 years old. I had little cute dresses and shorts and I never really gave much thought about how I looked. Well, I guess only being abnormal does one get self-conscious, right?
I started realising that I was abnormally-sized when I was at about 5-6 years old. I had gained a lot of weight and had become obviously chubby and round-figured. Soon, nicknames were picked for me and amongst them were Sam Cang Yok (in Cantonese, meaning 3-layered-pork, because of my overlapping tummy), Fei Poh (fatty), Fifi (I guess an abbreviation from Fatty wtf), all of these mostly from my family. And it became even worse when I started primary school because my friends, mostly guys, started calling me Elephant, Giant etc. So I guess you can sort of see how being fat or big boned is a large part of my life and definitely has moulded my personality today.
Soon when I hit puberty I sort shot upwards and became taller so I guess I wasn’t so round-figured anymore but still every now and then people would tease me about my weight. I really disliked it but I’d never shown it because people would just be like “What are you angry for, it’s the fact isn’t it?” And things didn’t improve when I shared this problem with my sister and she would just go, “But it’s true what.” It’s like I’d never really had someone I could talk to about my weight because they all thought alike and that was that I was fat and there was nothing to talk about.
So as I was saying, I grew taller and one day somehow I was looking myself in the mirror and for the first time I saw that I was actually quite pretty wtf. I know I sound a bit siao but really I actually said out loud, “Wah I’m quite pretty leh.” wtf hahahaha. My face became less chubby because I was stretched vertically (wtf hahahahaha) and also my eyes became bigger and rounder. I guess being a subject of teasing all my life never really allowed me to think of myself as being even okay-looking, so that particular day was definitely a turning point for me. The second turning point for me was when I was in Standard 5 or 6 I think. Now, I am going to be really honest and say that I started to become a much more confident self after one of my classmates Randy Swee wrote in his diary that he liked me and Sally because he thought we were both pretty wtf hahahahaha. What happened was, we girls kind of stole his diary and wouldn’t return it to him. We actually even went to hide in the girls’ toilet so that he couldn’t reach us. And then when I read through it I was really shocked lah. I mean, I never would have thought that his crush would be me (at least one of his crushes wtf) because in class they always teased me about my weight. But after that I definitely started becoming more conscious about how I could make myself look good. So thanks ah Randy wtf
This topic is becoming seriously long but never mind lah. I need an ego boost so I’m going to talk excessively about myself and you just have to suck it up! HAHAHAHA. So after that I started to take more effort in choosing what to wear, how to do my hair, I even got contact lens so that I wouldn’t have to wear glasses. Soon I ventured into make-up and discovered that I could make myself look even better. I also went to straighten my hair and soon I started to realise that boys would check me out when I walk by.
That was the time I realised that even though I am big boned, if I had a pretty face, it would overshadow my weight. And that concludes why I am currently so obsessed with make-up and clothes wtf. So, about my weight, I still get shit for it even till today. But I am happy to say that nowadays people usually put me in the ‘pretty’ category rather than the ‘ugly’ category despite my weight. But sometimes when people do talk about how I’m overweight, I get obsessively annoyed and would become moody and irritated.
Who gives anybody the right to tease someone about his or her inadequacies? I mean, I would never do that to someone’s face. Yes, we do talk behind people’s backs but making comments about someone to someone’s face is just plain rude and proud, isn’t it? Having the guts to voice out a person’s apparent flaw to his/her face just shows how arrogantly pompous you are to think that you, yourself, are perfect. Just keep the ‘good-natured’ correction comments to yourself, nobody really likes to be criticised, no matter how ‘constructive’ your ‘advice’ may be.
Tell a girl she’s pretty and she’ll forget it tomorrow; but tell a girl she’s ugly and she’ll remember it for a lifetime.
So till today, I still live with this dark secret. I have been having issues with my weight a big portion of my life and no matter how many times my boyfriend tells me I’m beautiful the way I am, I still find it hard to let it go. I just want to be beautiful by my own standards and that means, deep down, I do realise that I have a few pounds to lose. But I will pull through. I will lose weight. One day, I want to be able to say that I have done it, I’ve reached my personal standards, and I will be a wholesomely happy me. And nobody’s going to say shit to my face ever again.
P/S: I will do part 2 in the coming post…if you are interested to read.
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