Don't let anything happen to you.

Long ago when I was still in primary school, I remember my sister and Mum and I were talking about friends and best friends. I was in Standard Two I think, and I think that was the first time I ever really considered someone my friend.

And then I asked my Mum and sister if they had best friends and my Mum corrected me and said you can only have one best friend, as she is the best and if there is another one who is as good as her, you cannot call her BEST anymore. Best is the ultimate, and you can only have one.

So I was very stupid and naive that time, so I thought that between my two closest friends, I HAD to choose one, because I thought everyone had a best friend and if I didn't, I was weird.

When I was in Standard Two, my two closest friends were Zee Yeng and Sally. So I remember I was very disturbed because I couldn't choose between them. I kept thinking what one of them had that the other didn't, but I liked them equally much, so I was very angry that time because I couldn't pick one BEST FRIEND.

Why am I talking about this?

Because I guess whoever turns out to become your best friend is the one you spend the most time with. And in my case, I guess it's my sister. I know we've argued, and I know I am very harsh when I am angry but I've stopped that now. I was very bothered by the transition that had to happen, when Tommy appeared in her life, but soon, when I became accustomed to that, I realised that it is inevitable for changes to happen as time passes by. But I am fine now, because instead of thinking that Tommy has appeared in my sister's life, I accepted the fact that Tommy has appeared in OUR lives. I makes it better, really.

I know that ultimately, when you grow older, you will have to find your own husband, and then he will become your reason for living, and your relationship with your family and siblings will drift apart. I used to get really angry that things about my sister, Tommy will get to know about it first before me and my Mum were told of it. But I'm over that now. Tommy is a nice guy. I know he is. So I'm alright with him around.

But I'm upset when something about my sister, is not told to me, but to some outsider. I feel crushed to have to find out that there is something probably really important about my sister, that I know nothing about, and am supposed to pretend that don't, that is told to some person who isn't even very close to my sister in the first place. If it was Aun Jie or Mummy to have known first, I wouldn't mind. But not.....that person.

Maybe that person is the one who told my sister about this important thing, so I cannot blame her that she knows it first. I really, really hope that this theory is true. Because I love that person alot actually, and I don't want to have a reason to hate her.

But I don't like it that she's rubbing it in my face. That she knows something about my sister that I don't. Or maybe she isn't rubbing it in my face. She's just concerned about my sister. I hope it's true.

Last whole night I was rolling in bed, feeling crushed and depressed and upset and I felt like I wanted to die. It was really, just, depressed.

I really wished I could call Cherrie last night but of course it was no use because her phone is always dead. Not dead as in no battery but dead as in she will throw it to one side and only check it like, four days once.

This is not a very right time for me to be depressed. SPM is like, hello, two weeks plus more?

Please God, put me out of this misery. I don't want anything BIG to happen to my sister, I want her to be safe.