I feel that I am very selfish sometimes.

Today is my boyfriend’s birthday. About a week ago, I’d already planned to spend his birthday with him. He says his family doesn’t do birthdays much, so I thought I would try to brighten things up and make him a birthday that he wouldn’t forget.

But suddenly (though if I was honest, I’d say I actually expected it), his mom called and told him to go back to his hometown in Kelantan because his dad was feeling unwell (though Salam reports that his dad is thankfully fine, currently) yesterday. And so all my birthday plans would have to be postponed.

I was damn sad lah.

And then after he’d reached home, he told me about his plans to cook chicken chop for his family and I could really tell that he was genuinely happy and excited to be home.

I mean, after all, they are his closest companions.

Somehow, that hurt me. I mean, I know I am not supposed to be so selfish that I wanted him to feel upset that he could not be with me just because I was feeling sad too, but I just couldn’t help it. I was angry that he could still enjoy himself despite the fact that all our plans had been ruined.

Apart from that, I was also upset that he’d just arrived home but he had already planned to cook for his family.

It got me thinking, how come he had never offered to cook for me before? I mean, he has cooked for me before, but it is always after my demands and requests.

And most of the time, I am the one who cooks for him and everything.

It somehow made me feel as if he actually doesn’t enjoy being with me and his family definitely brings him more happiness than anyone else could ever do.

But how is that wrong though? His family has known him for his entire life. And me? I only popped out 6 months ago. Who am I to compare?

I just felt really sad and angry at myself at the same time, because I knew I should be happy. I know I should not get angry.

But I can’t control these emotions, can I?

And then it got me thinking…..

Would I marry a man who loves his family more than me?

Someone who, if his mother and I were drowning in the ocean and if he doesn’t save one of us, both would die and he could only save one person, and he chooses his mother?

I posted this on Facebook and many people said that of course they would choose their mother, I was stupid for asking the question, they don’t think there’s anything wrong by saving his mother bla bla bla.

But to me, yes, saving his mother would be the right choice. Because she was the one who raised him to who he is today.

But supposing this DOES happen to me, and I have to marry a guy who will forever choose his family over me?

Someone whom I have decided to spend my entire life with, but doesn’t put me first in his life, but second, or third depending on how many family members he has?

You guys think that it is very easy to answer, that I am being selfish, but I guess that is because you have never been in love.

For now, the most love you feel is for your family, because you haven’t found someone you truly love yet. You haven’t found someone you are willing to give up your life for.

So your opinions all do not matter to me.

I am not saying that I would want the man to say that he would save me. Because then I would also resent him for loving someone whom he had met outside, and choosing her over someone whom he was raised by.

I was just looking for a man who would answer that he would not allow that to happen, or that he would try his hardest to save both, or that he would not under any circumstance sacrifice one over another.

That is true love to me.

But I guess those people who answered me by saying that they would definitely save their mother over their wife are just really naive and immature. Not that that is a bad thing, because everybody takes time to grow and to fall in love. They will understand what I mean one day.

Back to my point. Sadly though, I think Salam is the type who would save his mother over me.

I can’t confirm for sure, but I just have a vague feeling that he is that type of guy.

I mean, it is a good thing, to be appreciative of your mother, the one who raised you and who is related to you in blood.

But is that good for me?

Should I marry a guy who I know will never put me first in his life? Someone who will always choose others over me?

Would I want to live my life with someone who doesn’t love me the most?

I don’t even know if this is a valid concern.

But I do know that these problems will arise one day (it has already happened, though, as illustrated by the fact that once his mother demanded, he immediately drove back to Kelantan, even though I already have plans with him), I am just not sure if I would be happy to be treated second best by the man I love my entire life.

And even now, he would NEVER choose me over his family.

I know I’m not supposed to be upset or angry or jealous, but I just can’t help it.

I mean, if it were me, I would balance things out between family and friends.

But is it unfair for me to demand the same from my boyfriend?

I don’t know. I just don’t want to be hurt, that’s all.

Apart from all that, I know that Salam does love me very much. I just hope I wouldn’t have to feel like this.