Recently, I got a call from some weird ass college, which shall remain nameless because I don’t want to be sued for defamation (even though that college IS weird, in my opinion), and they kind of asked if I wanted to enrol in their school.
They first asked me if I ever wanted to get in a University and of course I said yes, without thoroughly thinking about how easy I was revealing my details to this random caller. When I asked who was on the line, the lady casually said that she was from the Ministry of Education, and the Weird College recently collaborated with a local Uni which I want to go: USM.
I told the lady I wanted to do Mass Comm, and I did the whole interview without even realising it was an interview until the lady said, “Thank you for completing the interview.” (I was like wtf)
She said that with my SPM results, I was entitled for their scholarship which if I maintained my results at a certain level, I would be guaranteed admission into USM. I was awesomely stoked about this, because all I had in my mind was to go into USM.
So I told her I was halfway through STPM, and she informed me that if I enrolled in Weird College now, I would be doing a year in Pre-Degree and another 2 years Degree in USM, and with my results, I would easily be approved for Mass Comm.
I thought it was a fair choice, as it would be the same as if I completed STPM, the only difference was, I would have a guaranteed admission into USM, which was better!
So I fumbled around informing my sis, dad, mum and friends, asking them if the college was really legitimate and I found out that they haven’t even got an official website and reviews have revealed that the entire college is like a tuition centre.
My spirits were crushed but deep inside me, I didn’t mind, because all I wanted was to get into USM in the end, to do the course I wanted to do, and be done with boring STPM…
In the end, everyone managed to talk me out of admitting myself to the college, because STPM was definitely a better choice than compared with Weird College.
I guess it all boiled down to me being unready for what awaits me in future.
I say I want to get into USM, but why? Because it’s the top in Malaysia. Why is USM the top in Malaysia?
I don’t know.
I haven’t got a clue.
Because I just never got to researching about local universities, or their facilities, or their locations, or their certificates.
I just couldn’t be bothered. And is really Mass Comm what I want to do in future? Have I set my mind to it? Have I decided?
No, I have not. I am 18 years old, but I haven’t got a fucking clue of what I want to do with my future.
All my life, I have been spoon-fed. Everything has been decided for me. All that was left for me to do is to excel. I’ve always complained about wanting the freedom to make my own decisions, but now, when it is finally time for me to choose, I haven’t a fucking clue what I want to do.
The main reason I ever landed in Form 6, is because I was tired of choosing, tired of deciding, just plain LAZY to do research to find out what might be best for me.
I could have signed up for Matriculation, but I did not: because I just couldn’t be bothered to fill in the forms.
I could have signed up for better courses for UPU: but I did not because I just clicked on everything that looked fine to me, without having thoroughly thought about the decisions I would be making.
I could have signed up for private scholarships, to help me fund my education in the course that I want: but 1) I didn’t because I was tired of all the hassle of forms and verification and 2) I didn’t even know what the fuck I wanted to do with my life, so how could I make a decision?
In the end, I just grabbed whatever that’s accepted me, and listened to my sis and mum and dad, and went to Form 6.
And I hated my life in Form 6. This wasn’t what I want to do. I hated having to go back to wearing school uniforms, to bringing textbooks to school, to joining stupid co-curricular activities. But because I couldn’t be bothered with making choices, I just went along with it, went along with this nonsense that had become my life.
A little into Form 6, I sent in my appeal for UPU and ended up getting a spot for Diploma in a mediocre University in Melaka, to do Computer Science.
Now that I think back, why the fuck did I choose Computer Science? To appease my parents?
Oh yes my parents were STOKED that I was going to do Computer Science. My mum was praying for me to accept the offer. My dad called me 5 times a day to tell me about the stuff I would be learning in Computer Science, and though he kept asking me if this was the course I wanted to go with, because he didn’t want me to make the wrong choice, I knew deep inside he wanted me to do it.
I almost agreed to go to Melaka, because back then, all I had in mind was to get away from Form 6, to start Uni life, to go on a complete different course I knew I could excel at, even though I wouldn’t necessarily enjoy it. But I didn’t care, I kept telling myself that interest could be built along the way, and all that was needed was a little push for me to get a kick start.
In the end, after having got all the papers ready, my dad talked me out of it, and made me go back to Form 6. He said it was because it would give me 2 more years to decide what I wanted to do in future and without thinking too much, I took his advice and declined the Melaka offer and went back to my boring life in Form 6.
I’m just so tired of all this drama, all this decision-makings that I just couldn’t be bothered to do anything anymore. Why is everything so difficult? Why does every choice you make affect your entire life?
And so far, I think the best decision that I have made regarding my education, is switching back to Bukit Kuda from ACS for Form 6.
If I had remained in ACS, my academic results would have suffered. Because the subjects package was wrong for me entirely. I was only there because I wanted to breathe a fresh air of school, and to be with my friends, Xin Yi especially, and also my newly-made friends at ACS.
But now that I have decided to do STPM in Bukit Kuda, I realise that this is the path for me. The subjects are less harsh, and more easily learnt, and I can manage to score good results if I paid more attention in class.
I am still bored as hell now, and I still haven’t got a clue what I want to do in future, but I am going to wait. I still have 1.5 years of figuring this puzzle out, and I hope that one day I would find my path.
I want to be able to state with certainty what I want to do in future, and I want to be able to say that, "I am happy with where I am now," instead of the usual "I am fuck bored with my life," you normally hear me utter nowadays.
I don’t know if this is what others face too, when they reach this turning point in their lives, or if it’s just me.
I’m 18, and I am still clueless, but I know, one day, I will find my way, and I will be happy, and contented, because I want to fight for what I deserve. And I know I deserve alot more than this.
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