Of People & Emotions

I've just realised. I really should not write bad stuff or bitch about people in my blog anymore. I mean, it really does affect my mood and change the way I may feel about that person, you know.

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And I don't want that to happen, I mean, these people I bitch about, I actually care about them. Shit, or I wouldn't have bitched about them kan? I would have just ignored that person and not waste so much time and energy trying to express the way I feel about them.

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Cos you see, most times I am bitching about someone, deep inside I'd really like that someone to read what I'm saying here and then realise the way I feel about their actions and stuff. I want them to know how I feel since GOD knows I am in no place to express my emotions openly or whatever.

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Well, not that I'm in no place, I am just not that type of person to go exploding at someone and then get into this ugly fight. I don't usually fight with people. I hate it. Because when two people fight, it is only natural that either of them would want to outtalk the other, and the process, it's tiring, exhausting and what's worse, you don't get anything out of it except ripped pride, magnified hatred and pain.

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So what if you outtalked your opponent? Do you feel better? Do you feel more confident? Do you feel happier? I don't think so. So, I usually try to keep, keep, keep everything, and ONLY talk back when I really, really cannot take it and then no, I don't walk off. I HATE people who walk off during arguments. They don't solve the problem but they want to have the last word. So they pick the cowardly way out, in hope to disguise it as some form of victory. WHATEVER. As if anyone would fall for it.

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So what I'm trying to say here, even though I am feeling really sore about someone, I don't go in front of them and start telling them off. So I blog. I write about how I feel about the people whom I've argued with, and then hope that they would come across this page and read about how I actually feel inside.

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But the thing is, I shouldn't be writing all this.

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Remember in one post where I wrote about how I was angry at Cherrie about the Genting trip? Writing about the way Cherrie acted during the Genting trip really reminded me of how I felt back then, which was very angry and irritated, and somehow those feelings got channelled back to me as I wrote the post. My anger got stronger and my mood was totally affected. And when Cherrie texted me, or chatted with me online, I just couldn't talk to her the way I did before. I didn't know how to face her and in the end I had to sit down, try to regain my composure and keep the Genting thing off my mind. And only THEN try to talk to her.

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And the post about my sister? Worse. That is because I don't live with Cherrie, so the part about the difficulties of facing her was bearable, but I live with my sister, and IMAGINE all the the pain I had to face whenever I see her in the house. I was really angry at her when I wrote the post, but after time, I didn't feel so bad anymore. But then when I saw her, I got reminded of what I wrote and then I was angry with her all over again.

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It's hard, trying to balance your emotions, because I understand that people have emotions, and they vary from the different situations you face everyday. You may think that you hate someone today, but then later you will realise that you are actually angry at that person and you do not actually hate that person. Get what I mean? :)

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I guess that was actually how I felt about both Cherrie and my sister. I love them and I care about them. I was angry at them but don't hate them.

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So this bitching in blog thing, it's really no good. Unless you find a way to balance your emotions and always know not to cross the line between anger and hatred, then you're safe. You need to always know when to draw the line, and I don't only mean emotions, but also every other thing you may want to do in life.

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But I have one thing to say. My friend Xin Yi asked me about the Genting trip and Cherrie's behaviour and all that. She told me that it was unhealthy to always keep my emotions inside and I should have just told Cherrie off and done things my way and not let Cherrie push me around. She told me that if I continued being like this, I wouldn't survive in the cold, harsh real world.

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But I don't believe that. In fact, I think with my perseverance and patience, I will go further in life. :) Because you see, in life, we gotta make sacrifices and see things in different perspectives. Things don't always go the way we want. We have to accept that. Why would I wanna risk my friendship with Cherrie when just tagging along with her plans would keep everything safe? Moreover, I got through it didn't I? :D

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It's true this one thing Xin Yi says though, and that is, she and I have very different opinions about things. She says that she will strive to get whatever she wants and not let anyone push her around. And she said that she has grown out of the phase I'm in now, which is to think that I should volunteer to make the sacrifice if it would make everyone happy. She thinks that people are selfish and therefore, the only thing you should look after is youself, and your own feelings.

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I disagree. I believe in being the sacrifice of a situation if it could really change things for the better. I mean, a little sacrifice goes a long way, kan? So why don't I volunteer to do it? Why should I be selfish? I don't get anything out of selfishness. People might hate me for being selfish so why would I want that?

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Xin Yi thinks that I have not matured. But I think that she is the one who is immature. The world doesn't revolve around you and what you want. So sometimes, give and take. Be ready to give. It's easy to give, and the satisfaction? Best feeling in the world. :) Although you may get hurt sometimes, the outcome is worth it, trust me. :)

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Because even after how I bitched about Cherrie's behaviour in Genting, it doesn't mean that I regretted that I didn't tell Cherrie off for being so insensitive about my tired state way back when we were in Genting. And even if the situation ever repeats itself in the near future, I would have still done it the way I did things in Genting, and that is, to be the sacrifice of the situation.

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I don't regret it and I guess that is just the way I am. :) And also, the way I think everybody should be. That way, the world will turn to become such a better place.

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Ciao! :)

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