Yes. I have finally decided. And at the risk of sounding like a total drama queen, my pain this time has got to stop.
h
Okay, so it is an exagerration, this is not pain that I am feeling. Just, well, unhappiness.
h
I don't think anybody knows the way my sister has changed. The way she acts, thinks, talks, I don't think anybody could tell that there is a difference. Only people who live with her can. I can.
h
I don't know when it started, well, maybe I do know when it started, I just don't want to make any presumptions. It's just, nowadays, it feels as if my sister, no, April, thinks that she is more superior than me and my Mum. The way she talks with us is as if she's degrading us, and her demeanour, it's so arrogant.
h
I'm telling the truth.
g
All this while I have been trying to save things, to make my relationship with her better, and just accept it that right now, what matters most to her life is her boyfriend. I'm serious. I have tried to understand. I have tried to live with it, to allow this intrusion into our relationship. But I realise that it is only me, who has been trying to work things out. April does not seem to give a damn.
g
So I've finally thought about it. I don't need to constantly get upset whenever she forsakes family time to be with Tommy, it is her choice. And what am I doing getting angry? Or sad? I'm over it now. In fact, I think I have gotten used to it.
g
It's like, her absence is almost like something familiar to me, and her presence is what makes me surprised. Oh, she's home today. It is all happening so naturally. Right now, whenever I plan holidays or outings with my Mum and Dad, I don't see her in the picture anymore. Until someone asks, "How about your sis?" only then I realise, oh, right. And then I have to imagine having Tommy tagging along which is super unappealing.
g
I used to think that April is going to be my best friend forever. I used to think that she is the most important person to me in my life. But right now, I just laugh at how foolish I have been, for wanting to bring back the previous days we had.
g
It is never going to happen. We're different people now. At least, she's a different person now. There's no point in looking back. It is not like I plan to live with her forever. I don't need to constantly wish that she will be with me. I have other people in my life to care about.
g
It's over.
g
She doesn't know though, this pain I am feeling, I mean, used to feel. Or well, maybe she doesn't even care.
g
Like one time, I sent her this email, for her birthday:
g
There are many things I want to say to you,
But I don’t know how to start,
All the way from the days when it was us two,
To the days we fell apart,
g
It’s kind of dramatic to put it this way,
But it’s the truth that we hold on tight,
The reasons why we build a barrier,
Every time after we fight,
g
The barrier only gets stronger,
Every time we lose control,
With words that hurt, with tears that pour,
With lies that burn, with hearts that sore,
g
The truth is right in front of us,
And we know exactly what’s wrong,
But we do not try to stand and fight,
To see who’s weak, who’s strong,
g
Because we know each time we do,
We only drift further apart,
Though we might not like to mention,
But it really rips our hearts,
g
Maybe I’m over-sensitive over certain things,
Or maybe I do not understand,
But you should know that I’ve smacked myself,
To try the best I can,
g
Sometimes I tend to switch right off,
And go a different angle,
Though every time I managed to come back,
It was after a tense struggle,
g
I don’t want to be ‘the other one’,
In your life as I am now,
Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time,
To turn things all around,
g
But I know better than to dwell on dreams,
Because they never will come true,
I guess the only way to solve this,
Is to go along with you,
g
It’s the only way for me,
To be right by my sister’s side,
It hurts me no doubt,
But I’ll try with all my might,
g
Because I want to believe in myself,
To assure me that it’s true,
One day, someday we’ll be back together,
Like the usual, me and you.
But I don’t know how to start,
All the way from the days when it was us two,
To the days we fell apart,
g
It’s kind of dramatic to put it this way,
But it’s the truth that we hold on tight,
The reasons why we build a barrier,
Every time after we fight,
g
The barrier only gets stronger,
Every time we lose control,
With words that hurt, with tears that pour,
With lies that burn, with hearts that sore,
g
The truth is right in front of us,
And we know exactly what’s wrong,
But we do not try to stand and fight,
To see who’s weak, who’s strong,
g
Because we know each time we do,
We only drift further apart,
Though we might not like to mention,
But it really rips our hearts,
g
Maybe I’m over-sensitive over certain things,
Or maybe I do not understand,
But you should know that I’ve smacked myself,
To try the best I can,
g
Sometimes I tend to switch right off,
And go a different angle,
Though every time I managed to come back,
It was after a tense struggle,
g
I don’t want to be ‘the other one’,
In your life as I am now,
Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time,
To turn things all around,
g
But I know better than to dwell on dreams,
Because they never will come true,
I guess the only way to solve this,
Is to go along with you,
g
It’s the only way for me,
To be right by my sister’s side,
It hurts me no doubt,
But I’ll try with all my might,
g
Because I want to believe in myself,
To assure me that it’s true,
One day, someday we’ll be back together,
Like the usual, me and you.
g
She didn't reply. She did not say a word. Not even an awkward 'thank you'. That was very hurtful. One of the most hurtful I have ever felt in my life. And I don't think she even knows.
g
So, what's the point? Does it matter to me anymore, this relationship? No, it doesn't.
g
I used to say that I would take the bullet for her in a second, but right now, I'd have to have a second thought.
g
I'm sorry.
g
Ciao.
g
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