I'm always the one who's wrong, aren't I?

I’m feeling so down these days. Maybe it’s because my sis has finally moved to Penang for a good three years to pursue her studies and all of a sudden, I feel so lonely at home! She was never usually around the house anyway, but now, knowing for sure that she would NOT be home when I come back from school; it’s just, like a sudden realisation, you know.

And it’s difficult right now for me to go to school, because so much has happened. Especially between me and my friends. It’s a very difficult situation for me to deal with, even though I may seem to be able to take everything in my stride. But that is not true. They don’t know the hurt and pain I feel. They don’t know how this has affected me.

Every night I lie in bed, thinking of what might have been. Could things have been better if I decided upon A instead of B? Could things have been better if I had not taken the wrong route of sending that fateful SMS?

But uptil now, I still do not think that I have done anything wrong. I am sorry.

Misunderstanding me is one thing. Assuming you are right is another.

I don’t usually write these types of posts anymore, if you realise, but right now, I don’t know. I just feel like I have to write this. I’ve never felt so upset in my life before. Why couldn’t have things been NORMAL instead of all these drama?

I miss going to church, smiling to every single person, planning on shopping trips to Sunway Pyramid. I hate it the way it is now, where I have to keep considering my actions, afraid that I might spark anger in my friends. Going to Church? It makes me paranoid because I’m afraid of being judged. Afraid of being perceived as what I am not.

W50 are nice people. But nice people make mistakes sometimes. And apart from my school friends, friends who I trust completely, W50 are my next closest friends. I don’t want them to judge me based on consequences or situations. They need to know me for who I am. Not what have been said about me.

Cherrie trusts me. And right now, that is more than enough for me. But as time passes, would I be able to stay as calm as I am now? Would I be able to take it if the world stops trusting me?

No. I would not.

Maybe there are hidden things which occurred that I know nothing of, during the argument which fuelled such hatred towards me. Maybe there are things which have been unclearly stated, tilting me to the side of the one who is at fault.

But who would listen to me? Who would trust me?

I hate this feeling. I HATE THIS FEELING.

Someone please save me.

*Yes, you may assume that I am begging for sympathy. Assume me anyway you want, I do not care. That’s what all people do anyway, when an argument involves me.

I’m the one at wrong. I‘m the one who should be punished. Even if I had done nothing wrong, I should still be punished anyway because when juxtaposed to my peers, I am the more menacing and mean looking one. The rest are nice, innocent people who even if they make mistakes are forgivable because they look so angelic as compared to me, looking like a beast.