I think it's maybe because I've been faithfully going through Xiaxue's archives and have come to love how her sense of writing used to be so carefree and easy-to-read than compared to her writings now.
But of course she still writes very interestingly now, but you should read through her old posts, they were damn random and funny. Confirm LOL.
If you are an avid reader of my blog, you would realise that my tone of writing suggests that I am currently in a very gloomy mood.
You are right.
I know don't know why I am always bombarded with these kinds of problems.
Like Vendrick says, even though on the surface I look happy, look like nothing's wrong in my life, but he knows that I am hiding a secret, that deep down inside, I am very upset. Because nobody's life is perfect.
I agree.
But that's what we as humans are supposed to do right? To pretend that everything is alright, to look beyond rather than turn back and feel the vibes of despair from your unfortunate past?
But how is it that we are going to thoroughly know when our past depression has completely evaporated? Do we ever get to know if SOMETHING that used to hurt us alot, no longer hurts us again?
For example, and yes, I think I am ready to share this with the world, in Form 5, I had this relationship with this guy I met online. I don't know how we instantly clicked, but from then on, every night he would give me a call which would last for at least 2 hours.
Please note that this happened EVERY NIGHT. And I don't know how he survived it, but his parents seemed to not mind having to pay such a frighteningly EXPENSIVE phone bill. (I think I should also mention that he was a Maxis, and I am a Digi)
Well, he is the only son after all. So I guess they just felt obligated to give him everything he ever wanted?
To be honest, I liked his company, I liked being loved and cared for, I liked having someone to report to about my daily routines, and the usual sort when you're in a relationship. I wrote him a song (CORNY I KNOW but I was naive ok!) but have yet to perform for him (but which I have now completely forgotten about LOL) and everytime I went shopping I unintentionally (or subconsciously, depending on how you want to look at it) look over to the guy's section to find any clothes suitable to be bought for him...
But I never really loved him. It wasn't that type of love I had for him, I think, it was just that I loved the attention he was giving me.
I've gone out to meet him, had fun and everything. Back then I thought that our relationship could have really blossomed, but somehow one day, I just felt like I had enough of this.
I didn't think I loved him, and I felt bad for stringing him along, making him think that I returned the ardour.
So I broke up with him.
It was a very decisive choice on my part, but somehow, the break-up affected me badly. I was somehow extremely upset. For days I couldn't stop thinking about him, couldn't stop imagining what it would be like if I had done things otherwise. I would miss the calls he used to give me in the middle of the night, miss the attention and love he showered me with...
And then SPM came up, thankfully, and my heartbreak didn't seem so distinctive anymore. Slowly I let go, I stopped thinking so much about him, and now, obviously, I'm completely cured. Last time, every mention of him would beckon sad thoughts to overcome me, but nowadays any mention of his name just makes me laugh, reminding me of how naive I had been last time.
But what I want to find out is, when was the exact day that I've finally cured from the heartbreak? When was the exact morning that I woke up and not have felt the utter sadness anymore?
Isn't it a wonder, that something that used to hurt us so much, could one day just be dismissed as a simple laugh?
Maybe it's because I've never truly loved him, so getting over him didn't seem like a great deal of problem for me. Plus, I had SPM to concentrate on, so I had to force him out of my mind...
When we are faced with a problem, something which conjures up a very terrible heartbreak, and especially when you feel very helpless because there is nothing you can do about it, I guess what we have to do is just pretend that everything is fine.
Pass everything off with a cheerful manner, and sooner or later your pseudo-cheeriness will somehow turn into a real type of happiness, and you spend lesser time thinking about your problem.
That's what I'm doing. I'm passing my daily life with phony smiles and fake happiness, in hopes that they will slowly turn into realistic feelings when I end my day.
So far it's been working for me, though of course during the darkest of times, I still allow myself to wallow in my grief. It is not because I am too weak to counter my sad thoughts (or maybe I am), but it is because I still want to feel my sadness, because they usually revolve around memories which I really treasure, and I would want to have something I used to love that hurts me now, rather than not have it at all.
Do you understand me? It is like, thinking about you makes me feel extremely sad, but I'd rather be extremely sad than not think of you at all?
Yes, that's exactly how I feel. So Vendrick dear, thanks for your concern and everything, but I'm fine, really. (:
I'm happy. Most of the time.
On the contrary, YOU concentrate on your own love life lah! lol
Chuz.
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