Yesterday, I sat down beside him while he drove. While he was concentrating on controlling the steering wheel, I, on the other hand, was unintentionally reminiscing about the loving times we used to have together...
...About how when he was driving, one hand on the steering wheel, and the other free, he would use his free left hand to reach for mine, and entwine our fingers together.
And when arrived at stop lights, he'd bring my hand, safely enclosed in his, to his lips and give it a gentle peck. I would then return the gesture to him, as a kind of silent act of affection and I love I had so much for this man...
But those days were over.
When he drove yesterday, my hands were securely by my sides, and his free hand was resting freely on the gear, though serving no purpose, as it was an auto car.
Once or twice the skins of our hands would both register a touch against each other, because they were placed very closely side by side, but never touching. A slight turn to the left as the car journeyed, I felt his hand brush against mine again.
Though just a gentle brush, the passion, affection and memories immediately bombarded my mind and I had to vigorously, albeit mentally, fight from taking his hand into mine once and for all. Oh, how I longed to touch his fingers again, to entwine them around mine, to feel his warm palm against my own...
To be completely honest, while I was silently keeping from trying to take his hand into mine, I could vaguely feel vibes of passion emitting from him as well. Perhaps he was having the same thought as mine? Could he have wanted to hold my hand in his as badly as I did him?
However, I dismissed those thoughts as wishful thinking and told myself that he would never express any form of affection or love for me again...
But I was wrong.
A few seconds into my mental war to prevent myself from grabbing his hand, I felt his hand lift from the gear and it proceeded to rest slightly above mine. His gentle gesture hinted that I should release my nervous grip and hold on to his awaiting hand instead...
I obliged, and feeling a sudden rush of passionate yet dangerous vulnerability, our fingers entwined once more and formed its secure clasp again, one which we were once so familiar with...
I immediately felt total comfort and easiness around this man I used to own and still love so much. Or perhaps I'd never owned him before, merely captured his heart for a short period of time...
I silently hoped that time would stop and our fingers would stay laced together forever but just as I was finishing my discreet wish, I felt his fingers wriggling gently for release from mine.
Reluctantly, I let him go and slowly returned to reality.
Our relationship was over and the gentle gesture of holding my hand was merely a friendly touch on his part, but what he didn't know was, to me, it was a strong sense of heartbreak and painful reminiscence of what we used to have together...
I guess I wasn't wrong after all. He had really stopped loving me...
Jo-Yee
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