But I no longer think that way anymore. I don't know why. Is it because I've become to accustomed to making people happy? Is it because I've been TOO in love to back out now?
Sigh. I don't even know how to explain it. It's like nowadays, I'm just more inclined to serving people, rather than wait for the opposing party to PLEASE me.
And the results? People take me for granted.
I long to have back the days where my mind is NOT clogged up with images of this particular guy. I LONG to have back the days where I DON'T WANT/NEED TO BE LOVED BY A BOY.
But now, I cannot do it. And I keep crying and crying and crying. Even when the guy is showering me with attention, I still keep crying and crying and crying. Because I know all these won't last, it is only something I will have for a SHORT moment of time, and that is why I keep crying and crying and crying.
And after it's done, I'm back to being the outcast again.
It is not that I mind caring for this guy. It is not that I mind loving this guy. It is not that I mind that I've spent so much on this guy. It is not that I mind that I trusted this guy.
Because those are moments that I REALLY REALLY treasure, moments that I would NOT give up for ANYTHING else, moments without which, my life would be terribly different, and I would turn out a very different person than who I am today.
But I'm just really depressed that things have to turn out this way.
I guess we are just not meant to be together.
And I should learn to accept that, even though I don't believe in fate. I believe that a couple only stays a couple through hard word, and not because destiny says so.
But oh well, let's just ignore that. I'm sure one day I'll be fully cured from this.
But the question is: Do I want that day to arrive?
Oh God don't make me answer that. I'd rather stab myself with a kitchen knife.
Chuz.
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